The problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished
George Bernard Shaw
Humans communicate using two main channels, as we’ve seen in a previous post: verbal and non-verbal communication. Verbal communication is used for transmission of content; it is specific and highly precise. It allows for very complex phenomena to be described to others and for complex concepts to be explained. Verbal communication is responsible for the creation of complex societies and helped organise life in big groups. From speaking evolved writing, which is but the retranscription of verbal content for more durable communication, reaching far-away recipients (both in space and time). Verbal and written communication are the corner stone of every societies as there are today; it is what we use to transmit laws, rules, duties, customs, and tradition existing in a given society. We are because we speak.
On the other hand, non-verbal communication is used for transmission of nuances; it can enhance or moderate the verbal content and can be highly subjective (i.e., harder to interpret and understand). But that’s a story for another day.
What are the basics of verbal communication?
As with any form of communication, it takes two to take place: a listener and a speaker. Both are primordial for verbal communication and both can be performed at various level: you can be an incredible listener, a terrific speaker, a horrible listener unable to stop talking, a poor speaker uncomfortable with any form of communication, and any variants between those extremes. Today, we’ll have a more in-depth look at what is involved in listening and speaking and what makes a good listener/speaker.
As I’m the one with the keyboard right now, in a way I’m the one speaking and you are listening to me. But are you good at it?
Listening to someone means getting out of your own head and trying to understand another person’s mind. It is an active and conscious process, involving inquiring into the other’s mind. Listening is about making sense to noises and going beyond to understand the meaning and react appropriately. There are 4 different types of listening: active, reflective, discriminative, and evaluative. What does each type involve?
- Active listening is involved in conversation (usually..), when both speaker and listener are present, hearing each other, and switching roles as the conversation goes. It is an exchange with both persons involved equally.
- Reflective listening is present when the listener repeats what the speaker just said to make sure the message was communicated clearly and both parties are on the same page; for example, when placing an order, the person taking the order tend to repeat what you asked for to check the order is complete – that’s reflective listener.
- Discriminative listening comes up when the listener pays attention not only to what is said but also to how it is said, hearing any underlying tones of emotion.
- Evaluative listening usually occurs when the listener not only has to answer the speaker but also make a judgement regarding the information and weight out the pros and cons to take a decision.
Overall, a good listener is a person who is not talking when someone is addressing them, pays attention to the speaker, help the speaker be at ease to deliver the information efficiently, show they want to listen, and encourage the speaker. It is not always easy to be a good listener as it involves removing yourself from the front scene and letting someone else express themselves. A simple trick to be a good listener is: when you ask a question, wait for the answer and listen to it... or why even bother asking in the first place? There can be multiple barriers to active listening: the environment (being too far away, being in a loud place) can be one; there can be psychological and cultural barriers (having a radically different opinion or not understanding someone can see the world differently, i.e. cognitive biases); or being victim of selective listening (hearing what you want to hear and not what is said).
For a good communication to take place, however, it’s not all about listening. At some point, it will be your turn to take the front scene and express yourself. How to be a good communicant then?
Speaking is about delivering information to someone else, either by telling them a story, asking for something specific, or sharing an opinion. I’m sure there is someone in your surrounding that is just good at it, when they start talking, everybody listens to them as they mesmerise their audience. Small and large crowds are all the same to them, they seem at ease everywhere. But makes them a good speaker?
Think about David Attenborough – I can listen to him talk for days. He can talk about anything, he will make it fascinating. How does he do it? I would say there are 4 main qualities that make a good speaker: the voice, the style, the words, and the content itself. Let’s take a closer look.
- Voice characteristic: I personally have a thing for voices, if I don’t like your voice it is really hard for me to focus on what you’re saying. The pitch of a voice is the first thing you pick up on when someone starts talking: high pitch are difficult to follow, it’s just too much; low pitch are calming and have almost a soothing effect. You want to listen to them. Then there is the speed you’re talking at: speaks too slowly and everybody falls asleep between each word and never know whether you are done or not; speaks too fast, you might lose everybody. To captivate the audience, you want a steady flow, not too fast and certainly not too slow. Next, comes the delivery: if you should speak at constant speed, do not talk monotonously. When you talk, there should be variation in your tone, emphasising what you’re saying and giving life to your speech. Finally, the volume you’re talking at. Nobody likes to be screamed at but it’s a real pain to have to try make up what you’re saying because you are whispering in a room full of people. Basically, make it easy for everybody to listen to you. Getting your voice heard can be scary, I get that, but you will lose your audience as soon as they have to make an effort to heard your words.
- The style: it is the behaviour unique to each of us that will make people want to stop and listen to you. It is your signature, it defines you and includes your body language, gestures, and facial expressions (all the things we’ll talk about later on in this series). It will speak volumes about who you are and what sort of person you are. A good speaker is usually confident, confident they have things to say that could interest people and confident that they can say it. Watch out though, nobody likes overconfident people, it is a fine line not to cross. Do not give the impression you are better than the person you’re talking to. Don’t try to impress everybody. Be who you want to be in the moment, be yourself if you can, and most importantly: believe in yourself (easier said than done…).
- The words used: try to match your audience. You won’t (or shouldn’t?) use the same vocabulary and lexicon if you’re talking to peers or if you’re talking to someone who has no idea about what you are talking about. Lengthy words don’t make you look smart, but they can make you look cocky (which is not usually a good thing). Know who you are talking to and don’t hesitate to break down complex concept. But don’t make your audience feels stupid. It is actually harder to explain something you are familiar with using simpler concepts; if you manage that, people will actually understand what you are talking about and will respect you for taking the time and putting the effort into explaining it. Observe your environment and adapt. Just like a chameleon.
- The content itself: after lengthy studies of numerous speeches, it has been shown that a good speech is characterised by its clarity and its length. It needs to be both informative and appealing, flowing at the right wavelength. Imagine you’re surfing (never done it myself but I imagine it would be similar): you need to feel the waves and know when to get up on your board to catch the right one. It’s exactly the same when you’re talking: feel your environment and have a sense of when you said enough and should let someone else talk, or when you can provide more information. The best speaker are storytellers.
Speaking about efficient communication, I can only hope I didn’t bore you through this post and you got to the end without falling asleep too many times. I’ll end this post with a fun fact about language: phonemes (the smallest unit of sound characterising a language) are perceived faster than any other sounds by the human ears. Our ears have evolved to perceive speech sounds at a much more rapid rate. Another proof that verbal communication shaped us into what we are today…
See you next week!
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